If I ran the Cincinnati Enquirer...

I would beg Jim Borgman to return, give him a corner office and another office and exclusive use of the lunch room and buy whatever kind of coffee he likes. This is obvious, so I wanted to mention it first.

The new Enquirer would also seek the return of Jim Knippenberg. I would hope he would revive the old "Pssst" column, but he can return even if he doesn't want to do that.

We would rerun old columns from the late, great Bob Brumfield. For added humor, we might also rerun columns from George Blake.

There would be rules in place forcing P. Doc to not write any columns involving Chad Johnson, college football polls, or Mike Brown. Then we'd tell him we were just kidding and pick him up off the floor.

The main regulation placed on the sports section will involve a complete ban on mentioning the mood or opinions of sportstalk radio callers or bloggers. The penalty for breaking this rule is banishment to a room full of sportstalk radio callers and bloggers.

Oh, and one more little change.

I would shut down the web site immediately. I would replace it with a page containing the message:

"PONY UP SEVENTY FIVE CENTS AND BUY A GODDAMN PAPER"

Or words to that effect. I might work in some wording describing the subscription process.

At first, people would start wringing their hands, screaming about how these are the go-go oughts, and we are almost into the swingin' unos-so an actual paper with news stories printed on it is not relevant. I would tell them to be quiet and then tell them if they want to know why this is a good idea...

"PONY UP SEVENTY FIVE CENTS AND BUY A GODDAMN PAPER" and it will all be explained in a special insert in the Sunday NEWSPAPER. Oh, and the insert will be sponsored by Google.

The special section of the paper will explain why holding an actual newspaper in your hands is a good idea. How you can take out a pencil and fill in the crossword puzzle or, if you're really smart, use a pen. Or if you're really really really smart, you can take out a pen and draw a handlebar mustache on Peter Bronson's picture with a thought balloon that says, "I ate paste in elementary school."

Speaking of Pete, his thoughts shall no longer be carried in a tiny space on the editorial page, but be splashed over four pages. The new Bronson Section would carry all of his thoughts, dreams, doodles, and the occasional recipe. If he refused to provide this much content, he would be fired and sent to work at WLW. He could be present during the dark days for both of Cincinnati's grand old ladies.

We would also explain that reading the comics on the internet hurts your eyes. The new Enquirer will now carry three entire pages of comics but still run a feature every three months asking what comics should be added and dropped.

The lack of internet presence will be confusing to advertisers, but I would explain to them that the move is perfect for our 'brand'. I would further explain that our 'brand' is a 'newspaper' and 'newspapers' should be made out of 'paper'. I would also point out that killing off the website was 'guerilla marketing'. If need be, I would hire an agency that specialized in spouting out these terms.

Some things would be lost by shutting down the website: the blogs, the readers comments, the CincyMoms section. We would advise our readers who enjoy these sections to continue their idiotic passion by joining a cult.

The internet would also be the end of the Metromix pictures. No more pictures of young ladies, arm in arm, holding Bud Lites and wearing low cut tops. This could be a serious loss, as there are so few places on the internet to find pictures of boobies. To help our readers interested in such material, we will refer them to do a search on 'breasts', using our new sponsor Google.

The advertisers will stay on board, and maybe even pay more upon realizing that potential costumers look more kindly on a company whose ads don't break the medium they're being viewed on. What if the Macy's ad on TV made your entertainment center shut down? What if the Jake Sweeney ad in the paper caused it to catch fire? Yet I'm supposed to just happily shrug my shoulders when every visit to Cincinnati.com results in a 3D Hyundai causing a need to reboot?

Maybe my leadership would be a disastrous reign, resulting in the paper having to shut down. Indeed, many papers have been failing lately. But I think most of those failed papers had websites, so this might just work out after all.