Hail! Good Fellow, Well Met.

The Stark County GOP decided to go in a different direction....

2010-09-12T11:33:00.000-04:00

If a preacher preaches long enough, even he'll get hungry too

2010-08-29T17:53:00.001-04:00

Good Girls Don't by THE KNACK

2010-02-15T09:34:00.001-05:00

Brother Theodore: The Evils of Food

2010-02-01T14:24:00.001-05:00

Sammy Davis Jr and Brother Theodore "Who's on first?"

2010-01-30T01:56:00.001-05:00

Billy's Christmas Wish by Red Sovine

2009-12-08T20:21:00.001-05:00

Best In Show

2009-09-12T23:21:00.001-04:00

Best In Show

Posted using ShareThis

Revelation

2009-09-11T15:06:00.003-04:00

The college football regular season and post-season bowl games are not set up in such a manner as to properly crown a national champion.

The Jury Duty Incident

2009-09-03T10:40:00.004-04:00

A summons in the mail
Caused me a slight furor
as it was time for me to serve
My civic duty as a juror

At the Hamilton County courthouse
The Juror pool gets its own space
Almost half a floor of sprawl
A clean and well lit place

Most time was spent a waiting
just hanging out with no plan
At one point I broke from waiting
To visit the Men's room can

I went into the men's room
It was a clean place for relief
shiny tile and a floor drain
In case someone reversed their noodles and beef

But then I saw a dreadful sight
When I went into the stall
I almost screamed in horror:
A booger schmeared upon the wall!

Who had done such a thing?
Who would cause such a mess?
It was almost certainly recent...
It looked relatively fresh.

My sense of justice was upset
My sense of civic duty was too
It also just grossed me out
and that's kinda hard to do

Was this an act of disobedience
The culprit wanted everyone to know
Like a booger flinging modern day
Henry David Thoreau

Was it the guy in our first meeting
who asked about a restraining order
then asked if he could go home
because of his bipolar disorder

Was it a young hipster
who wanted to vote for Obama
so he registered to vote
and ended up with jury drama

It was the fate of our system
to which they would entrust us
but in return someone provided
A stain on the stall of justice

Uncle Ernie is ready to shoot your wedding!!!

2009-09-02T00:18:00.001-04:00

CHECK IT OUT!

Elvis Costello - Mystery Dance - Live, 1978

2009-07-26T10:26:00.001-04:00

Taco Bell Drive-Thru

2009-07-18T14:04:00.002-04:00

I had a not-so-crisp fiver in my pocket and a yearning for sustenance. The run to the border was a short one, Candice was driving me back to my car only a block or two away (I was exhausted from a marathon poker session...) and Taco Bell was on the same block!

I ordered a couple of chilitos, a volcano taco, and a soft taco. When we got to the window....

BILLY, a Taco Bell employee in his late 20's with a large frame has his head in his hands, slouched over the drive-up window. He does not look up to acknowledge JOHN and CANDICE, who've just driven up to the window. After an uncomfortable 30 seconds...

CANDICE: Is something wrong? Are you ok?

John rolls his eyes and shifts uncomfortably in the passenger seat.

BILLY: Those people just drove off. (He points toward Beechmont Ave) They ordered a bunch of shit, then they said we had it wrong, and then we remade it, and then they left. God damn...

CANDICE: Oh no....

JOHN: (perking up) Wow, that really sucks. So sorry, my friend.

BILLY: You guys want a bunch of free shit?

CANDICE: Su....

JOHN: (interrupting) Hell Yeah!!!!

ANONYMOUS VOICE FROM BACK OF RESTAURANT: Free is good!!!

After taking the money for their small order, Billy returns to the window carrying three heaping bags of Taco Bell Goodness.

CANDICE: Thank you!

JOHN: I hope your night gets better, good fellow!

How long should a single table satellite last?

2009-07-18T14:01:00.003-04:00

Nine players, 2500 chips to start, blinds up every ten minutes....playing to the final TWO.

If you guessed less than four hours, you would've been just as baffled as I was last night.

All Star Game...

2009-07-14T21:24:00.002-04:00

The National League just went ahead 3-2. The St. Louis Cardinal fans are the best baseball fans in the country, the smartest baseball fans in the country, and they're gonna bring home a victory for the good guys.

I was at the Cincinnati All Star Game in 1988, man oh man that was a crappy game. The home run derby got called off, and the All Star Game MVP was Terry Steinbach. Chris Sabo did not get to play, outraging many.

The home field advantage thing is stupid. A moronic solution to a problem that never should have occurred in the first place. FOX baseball coverage sucks. Put Pete in the Hall.

Gannet decided to go a different way with the Grand Old Lady Of Vine/Elm St.

2009-07-09T20:32:00.004-04:00

Borgman and Knipp won't be returning. You'll have to check out a really good bookstore to find Bob Brumfield's old columns, and you'll have to write Mr. Blake personally if you'd like to see his.

I was really shocked that Peter Bronson got shown the door. I wasn't a fan of his column, and kinda stopped reading it. At one time, Pete and I had a vicious email correspondence. It would take a while to explain, so I'll sum it up by saying that it concluded with Pete sending me a bottle of whiskey and calling me a pea brain. It sucks to be out of work, so I wish him well. I actually would have enjoyed seeing a few of his recipes and doodles in my version of the Enquirer.

It looks like they've decided to keep the website too. When I checked it last night, the welcome page featured a big breasted woman inviting people to visit Metromix to vote for their favorite bartender, a story about oral sex, and a story about the word retarded becoming pejorative. Yep.

Then when I tried to click on the sports section, a Dillard's ad opened and two of their bikini models made my computer freeze.

So, I still stand by my list of recommendations from Monday. I'll add Johnny B's tip to expand the letters to the editor, as I'm always a fan of those too. I'd like for these letters to be actual postal correspondence. I'd also like for everyone to include a recent picture or two that would run next to their letter, so readers can get an idea of the cut of their jib before reading. Maybe 'Letters to the Publisher' would be better.

So good luck to everyone who was let go, and good luck to everyone left behind who, I'm sure, will have additional work piled on. Hopefully I'll come in to some money soon so I can swoop in and save this ship. You'll all get raises, and I'll be bringing professionals with me who will do a great job, put out a great product, and even make those pain in the ass advertisers happy. I'll also be bringing my new nightlife photographer, Peter Bronson.

If I ran the Cincinnati Enquirer...

2009-07-06T16:15:00.008-04:00

I would beg Jim Borgman to return, give him a corner office and another office and exclusive use of the lunch room and buy whatever kind of coffee he likes. This is obvious, so I wanted to mention it first.

The new Enquirer would also seek the return of Jim Knippenberg. I would hope he would revive the old "Pssst" column, but he can return even if he doesn't want to do that.

We would rerun old columns from the late, great Bob Brumfield. For added humor, we might also rerun columns from George Blake.

There would be rules in place forcing P. Doc to not write any columns involving Chad Johnson, college football polls, or Mike Brown. Then we'd tell him we were just kidding and pick him up off the floor.

The main regulation placed on the sports section will involve a complete ban on mentioning the mood or opinions of sportstalk radio callers or bloggers. The penalty for breaking this rule is banishment to a room full of sportstalk radio callers and bloggers.

Oh, and one more little change.

I would shut down the web site immediately. I would replace it with a page containing the message:

"PONY UP SEVENTY FIVE CENTS AND BUY A GODDAMN PAPER"

Or words to that effect. I might work in some wording describing the subscription process.

At first, people would start wringing their hands, screaming about how these are the go-go oughts, and we are almost into the swingin' unos-so an actual paper with news stories printed on it is not relevant. I would tell them to be quiet and then tell them if they want to know why this is a good idea...

"PONY UP SEVENTY FIVE CENTS AND BUY A GODDAMN PAPER" and it will all be explained in a special insert in the Sunday NEWSPAPER. Oh, and the insert will be sponsored by Google.

The special section of the paper will explain why holding an actual newspaper in your hands is a good idea. How you can take out a pencil and fill in the crossword puzzle or, if you're really smart, use a pen. Or if you're really really really smart, you can take out a pen and draw a handlebar mustache on Peter Bronson's picture with a thought balloon that says, "I ate paste in elementary school."

Speaking of Pete, his thoughts shall no longer be carried in a tiny space on the editorial page, but be splashed over four pages. The new Bronson Section would carry all of his thoughts, dreams, doodles, and the occasional recipe. If he refused to provide this much content, he would be fired and sent to work at WLW. He could be present during the dark days for both of Cincinnati's grand old ladies.

We would also explain that reading the comics on the internet hurts your eyes. The new Enquirer will now carry three entire pages of comics but still run a feature every three months asking what comics should be added and dropped.

The lack of internet presence will be confusing to advertisers, but I would explain to them that the move is perfect for our 'brand'. I would further explain that our 'brand' is a 'newspaper' and 'newspapers' should be made out of 'paper'. I would also point out that killing off the website was 'guerilla marketing'. If need be, I would hire an agency that specialized in spouting out these terms.

Some things would be lost by shutting down the website: the blogs, the readers comments, the CincyMoms section. We would advise our readers who enjoy these sections to continue their idiotic passion by joining a cult.

The internet would also be the end of the Metromix pictures. No more pictures of young ladies, arm in arm, holding Bud Lites and wearing low cut tops. This could be a serious loss, as there are so few places on the internet to find pictures of boobies. To help our readers interested in such material, we will refer them to do a search on 'breasts', using our new sponsor Google.

The advertisers will stay on board, and maybe even pay more upon realizing that potential costumers look more kindly on a company whose ads don't break the medium they're being viewed on. What if the Macy's ad on TV made your entertainment center shut down? What if the Jake Sweeney ad in the paper caused it to catch fire? Yet I'm supposed to just happily shrug my shoulders when every visit to Cincinnati.com results in a 3D Hyundai causing a need to reboot?

Maybe my leadership would be a disastrous reign, resulting in the paper having to shut down. Indeed, many papers have been failing lately. But I think most of those failed papers had websites, so this might just work out after all.

The Mustard Belt Stays in the Good Ol' USofA!

2009-07-05T16:31:00.004-04:00

Joey Chestnut deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Cincinnati Inexplicable

2009-07-05T15:51:00.002-04:00

The Zip Burger

It's quaint, it's on the better side of tasty, but it isn't awesome, mind-blowing, or even great. It's just a good burger at a not so good price.

I thought of this last night while eating a five dollar burger from the Outback kids menu. I also had a Royal Red Robin this week and I would rank both of those chain creations as good as a Zip Burger.

I'll never hate chain restaurants enough to pretend the Outback Bloomin' Onion isn't tasty. I got one for curb-side pickup, and added a Joey Burger to the order. A cheeseburger, loaded baked potato and a small Sprite for five bucks. They never questioned my lack of a child.

Lee Greenwood is a Commie prick compared to this dude

2009-07-04T15:56:00.002-04:00

The freedom to have fireworks and bbq. That's what this day is about.

Warren Zevon's thoughts on Michael Jackson

2009-07-04T01:41:00.001-04:00

Live on the old Late Night

July 4th

2009-07-03T15:08:00.003-04:00

If you're looking to catch some fireworks, I highly recommend the Yellow Springs display. Last year it was followed by a midnight swim in the community pool.

It was the most spectacular display I've ever seen. You'll feel especially close to the action if you find a spot on the hill, looking down on where the community band puts on their pre-show concert. Debris from the explosions cascaded down on us like slightly sulfuric snow.

Be there!

How many hours out of a day do you think these folks spend outraged?

2009-06-18T20:06:00.001-04:00

Probably in the double digits....

The Three Faces of Chuck E Cheese

2009-04-24T23:59:00.002-04:00

In case you were not able to spend a beautiful Thursday afternoon exploring the zoo....

2009-04-23T22:00:00.004-04:00

It's cool. I took pictures for you!

This is a zebra, seeking food beyond his borders.

Flamingos, artistically shot thru the bushes. Well, it was also the only practical way to take the picture.
My favorite animal from my childhood Noah's Ark set.
Rhino feet are large.
I tilted the camera because I was hanging from the rail over a moat in order to get this stunning photo.

2009-04-23T21:59:00.000-04:00

You could smell the nasty meat from a hundred yards away. Polar bear livers are toxic. This is the only thing I remember from 8th grade biology.

He was doing laps.

Napping on the deck

Awwww....

2009-04-23T21:58:00.002-04:00

Giraffe getting up in my grill.

The lone elephant that wasn't helping out with the nearby construction.

The giraffes were seriously getting up close.

A buzzard. Trust me.
A homeless primate takes a nap on his cardboard bed.

From the Zoo Gift Shop

2009-04-23T21:57:00.003-04:00

This was on a t-shirt in the Zoo gift shop. Notice something? Candice did. I alerted the staff, they said that the shirts had been out for two weeks and no one said anything. They've been taken off the shelf and will be sent back. I wish I'd bought one now.

Thursday Afternoon at the Zoo

2009-04-23T21:46:00.008-04:00

Jomo is the bad-ass male silverback. He did not like facing the crowd, like a furry Miles Davis.

Really?

Really.

Twitter

2009-04-21T16:56:00.005-04:00

Sometime in the next few years, a hack comic will appear on VH-1's "I LOVE 2009" and say...

"Remember Twitter?? Dude, what was up with that? I'm gonna go twitter....sounds like something dirty to me!"

I don't get the Twitter thing, and I know it has to do with my cellphone generally being on the floor of my car instead of attached to my hand.

The Old Media: Roll the camera and the story tells itself.

2009-03-27T23:00:00.001-04:00

The New Media: Makes you root for Billy Gillespie

2009-03-27T21:48:00.002-04:00

Shout out to Jeff Hollis for the links.

The New Media: Makes you root for perverts...or at least their dads.

2009-03-27T21:47:00.001-04:00

Shocking News and Notes

2009-03-25T12:03:00.003-04:00

I've been exceptionally busy, but accomplishing nothing.

I have a new coffee pot. We bought one right after Christmas, I first used it in the middle of January. During each brewing cycle, it leaked out approximately one third of the water. This resulted in a damn fine pot of strong coffee. The water would leak out of the bottom of the machine, coating the counter and sometimes dripping on the floor. This resulted in my counter and parts of my kitchen floor being exceptionally clean. The receipt was gone. I was resigned that this was the new order, but Candice worked some magic and we exchanged a broken coffee maker three months after purchase with no receipt. The coffee is fine, and I'm back to occasionally using a sponge on the counter.

In other coffee news, I get one of those surveys on my receipt from Caribou about once every two weeks. If you put your code into the website, you're registered in a monthly contest. I go online and give them the high marks that they deserve, in hopes of winning a 100 dollar gift card. I've done about a dozen of them now, and have never won. I'm starting to take it personally.

In other coffee news, Eight O'Clock High coffee is cheap and awesome. I'm getting it for about 4 bucks a pound with coupon.

In other coffee news, I'm drinking some now.

The Derf Magazine Happy Hour at Pavillion was cool. Candice and I went to the Teak for Sushi at 1pm. After lunch we walked around a bit, and the evil saloon keeper at Crowleys came out to lure in customers. Candice went off to work, and I commenced to some pre happy hour beer drinking. The place was packed. There was a retirement party going on for Garebo, so all the old crew were there celebrating. TomDog stopped in....all the usual suspects were around. A skinny dude pretending to be Jerry Lane was there. Four hours later, I had downed several pints and somehow not taken a single dollar from my pocket.

Then I had to make the long trip across the street to Pavillion, where I got a cup filled with ten tickets, each one good for a Sam Adams. At some point I got more.

If one of my friends wants to throw a Sandra Lee Semi Homemade party, I'd like to go. I enjoy Jordan Baker's blog.

The 1995 Toyota Camry is dead after almost 180 thousand miles. Dead. Shadows! Shadows! I'm rollin' in Mom's Saturn.

I am digging videography

I took a couple of those shots, and I am getting into the editing too. ROHRIG VIDEO AND PHOTO : check out the awesome high def stuff.

Douche bag of the Week

2009-03-15T15:43:00.003-04:00

Don't let his patriotic tie fool you, Billy Mitchell represents what is wrong with America.

The future of America

2009-03-08T14:36:00.002-04:00

THE LITTLE MR. CONSERVATIVE

Show me a little prick in a sweater vest quoting FOX news and I'll show you someone being home schooled. -Winston Churchill

I'm not sure I got that quote exactly correct, but as a member of the new media...who cares?

The Music Gods: Random iPod Shuffle

2009-02-28T12:43:00.007-05:00

I have always been fascinated by the shuffle feature. It started with my 200 disc CD changer, the random function would send it whirring around and picking a new disc and a new song and I would try to make sense of the randomness. Were the music gods trying to pick up my mood with upbeat happy tunes? Were they punishing me by picking the worst track on every CD, or the 18 minute audio clip of a Sid Nathan business meeting from the King Records box set?

So here's how part of an afternoon went with the iPod shuffling along....

VOLARE Dean Martin
He is a silky smooth SOB, Mr. Martin. This is one of those tunes that, via compilations, shows up in my library three or four times, but I'm always glad to hear it.
"no wonder my happy heart sings, your love has given me wings...."

FOOLISH HEART Alison Kraus
The musicianship on any given Alison Kraus record is astounding, matching her astoundingly angelic voice. Seeing her with Robert Plant always kinda grosses me out. Like the sweetest girl in school is getting played by the greasy hood.

A FRIEND IS A FRIEND Pete Townsend
I love the Iron Man album. For a while, it seemed to be a permanent part of every used record bin I would inspect. I remember buying the cassette new, probably paid 8 bucks for it even with my Phil's Records discount. The album features clever songwriting, power chords, and John Lee Hooker...what more do you need?
"a promise is a promise, a handshake will seal it. no amount of discussion ever repeals it...."

A BOY NAMED SUE Johnny Cash
It's the Live From Folsom Prison version. There is much to love about this classic album, but even as a kid, I was fondest of the prisoner's reactions in the background. The audience laughing and cheering along with Johnny on this tune is classic. You can hear them actually catching on as to why the son of a bitch named his son Sue as the explanation is sung. And what a mental picture, the Dad and Son enjoying a beer after pulling guns on each other and cutting off a piece of ear.

MEATLOAF H-Bomb Fergsuson
Why isn't there a street in Cincinnati named after H-Bomb?
"baby don't let my meatloaf"
"two by two by two by two, I got meatloaf waitin' on you"
This song clocks in at 4:20, and not a second is wasted.

I JUST KEEP FALLING IN LOVE Steve Goodman
"why should I wonder why nobody cares, here in the sad state of casual affairs"
"I should know better, I don't know better"

CLOWNTIME IS OVER Elvis Costello and the Attractions
The title is awesome, and the song asks a great question, "who's making lovers lane safe again for lovers?"

LONESOME TOWN Ricky Nelson
From the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, which is essential for every iPod listener who enjoys a good shuffle. Try coming out of a song, maybe a lovely ballad, and then hearing Sam Jackson screaming his verse from Ezekiel. It will put you on the path or righteousness with the quickness.

DRUNK Ace Cannon
From the Hi-Records R&B sampler. There are some nice cuts on there, and this one is fun and kinda scary.
"gin is a drink, so mellow and slow, get a little taste and you want some more, start out walkin', you just couldn't go, reach for the knob and miss the whole darn door."
Who hasn't been there?

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE Robert Randolph and The Family Band
I wish my family were this funky. We never did too many five minute booty shaking jams, though my brother played "Jingle Bells" on his sax one year at Christmas.
This rocks. Rocks, rocks, rocks.

AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG Cook E. Jarr
My favorite Las Vegas entertainer puts his spin on this classic. Mr. Jarr deserves a post of his own.
Check out his website, and thank me later.
"somebody play a hornnnn"

THE BLUE AND GOLD (UNIVERSITY OF AKRON FIGHT SONG) performed by The Ball State University Marching Band
THIS will put you on the path of righteousness even quicker than Sam Jackson.

WHO KNOWS Jimi Hendrix
The music gods must know when I need to take a leak. Nine minutes and thirty four seconds even gives me time to wash my hands twice.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME Louie Armstrong
Should be subtitled, "Especially considering my obsession with poo"

INVITATION The Feelies
While I was ascending the ranks toward "King of the Metal Scene", The Feelies were putting out some very cool records.

REVOLUTION ROCK The Clash
"everybody smash up your seats and rock to this brand new beat"

YOU OUGHT TO BE WITH ME Al Green
Ever wish you could sing like Al Green? Me too. Ever wanted to go to his gospel mass in Memphis? Me too.

WHAT'S YOUR GAME The Ramones
Even when you're not in the mood to listen to The Ramones, it's all good...they're not going to bother you for more than 2:30. I'm almost always in the mood though.

WITCH HUNT Rush
Even when you're not in the mood to listen to Rush, they're not going to bother you for more than five or six minutes. This song starts off "the night is black..." which made me laugh. This is Rush doing their best imitation of Spinal Tap.

THAT'S A GROOVY THING PT'S 1&2 Earl Bostic
From Juke Box Jive-The Birth of Rock and Roll. This is definitely after the water broke, and quite possibly during crowning.

PEACE OF MIND Boston
I really love me some Boston. I should be sick of them because of all the crappy radio stations that overplay them, but I'm not. I'm always up for a Boston song. During a trip from Muncie to Cincinnati, my college pals had this as the only tape in the car. It worked out.

PLEASE U2
From Pop, everybody's least favorite U2 album. The music gods are teasing me for liking Boston.

AIN'T GWINE WHISTLE DIXIE ANYMO' Taj Mahal
My disc changer was always throwing out some Taj Mahal when I had it on shuffle. This tune just makes me want to hear more because it is only a minute of whistling over an easygoing instrumental.

13 STEPS LEAD DOWN Elvis Costello
My iPod really likes Elvis Costello. But so do I.
"because I just can't stand myself"

BACK WHERE IT ALL BEGINS The Allman Brothers Band
I was never a huge fan of the Allman Bros, but I wore this album (Where It All Begins) out. This is one of those songs that comes up on shuffle that makes you want to take it off shuffle and put an entire album on....but I must carry on. Musn't anger the music gods.

CAN'T HARDLY WAIT The Replacements
Damn! Here's another one of those songs....from the irresistably titled album "How Did the Vomit Get on the Ceiling".

JUNGLE MUSIC Rico
I have no idea what the hell this is doing on here. But it isn't horrible, even for ska.

SEX SUX (Amen) The Vaselines
"i'm the sacred host with the most"
The music gods are back on my side.

MAS Y MAS Los Lobos
Some bad ass jammin' going on here...love when the lyrics randomly morph from Spanish to English and back....frantic guitar, horns and drums.
This is from the Colossal Head album. You should get it.

NEVER, NEVER, GONNA GIVE YOU UP Barry White
I feel weird listening to this song while alone in my living room. I feel even weirder dancing to it and grinding against the sofa.

FRANK SINATRA MONOLOGUE (LIVE AT THE SANDS) Frank Sinatra
Now we're talking. Listen as Frank laments buying a pumpkin patch only to find they've cancelled Halloween, explains the hotel renovations, and mentions the alcoholism of his dear friend Dean Martin....
"he's been stoned more often than United States embassies...."
This album is UNREAL, it's Frank at his prime, live at the Sands, and backed up by The Count Basie Orchestra. The monologue is worth an occasional listen too.
"Sammy Davis wrote a book called, 'Yes I Can', I sent him a wire that said, 'No you can't'"

I LOVE ME SOME ELVIS The Derailers
The Derailers were just having some fun on this cut. Great band, goofy song with what sounds like a drum machine backing.

IT'S A BIG OLD GOOFY WORLD (Live) John Prine
Yes, I described the Derailers song as goofy before this song popped up.
John Prine makes a great point, and a nice place to close.

Derf Magazine Work

2009-02-24T10:16:00.002-05:00

About Eke Onguaunke

Derf has outsourced it's general advice blog to Eke Onwauke who lives in Malaysia. Eke barely speaks English. He writes the ASK EKE Blog for sixty cents per month. He answers all questions related to finance, nutrition, career, soil erosion, fitness, and raising chickens

DEAR EKE: How can I survive in these tough economic times?

EKE SAY: Eke also afraid. Yes, first I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong.

But these wordings from GLoria Gainor not help to make future ways to be full of prosperous. You need many money for when young people come to take the advantages of your feebleness. When time get hard in my country of Malaysia we say that time get tough but tough find victory through many sword weapon and many canned goods.

You must find time opportunity to take cans of tuna food from store and place in mysterious place only you know. When the last of your chickens is found beak up in grave of soup pot, there will be way to make your hunger happy.

Until the time come, make your chickens and wives stay all the closer and work all the harder. They must make many hours in the fields and they must gather plants and do any services for others that will make you wealth. Chicken is loyal and true and perform these deeds not thinking of self, but wives sometimes not so much.

You will be prosper and be well when all other fail and roll through town without clothing on back of garbage cart. Nude garbage cart rolling fun when you want to do it, not fun when you have no choice.

Then Eke say to self, "Oh no, not I. I will survive. As long as I know how to love. I know I will stay alive. I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give and I'll survive. I will survive

Start now with full time watching chickens and wives and make you rich with tuna cans. When the young come to you in old age and try to roust you of your earnings, you will have much to give. Or you will have much to give to someone who will smite the young with great force. Happy both ways for you!

http://www.derfmagazine.com/index.php

Derf Magazine Work

2009-02-24T10:15:00.003-05:00

Angelina Jolie adopts Octuplet Mom

Bellflower, CA: Angelina Jolie has completed the legal process to officially adopt Nadya Suleman, who recently gave birth to the famous octuplets. Nadya, the octuplets, and Nadya’s other six children will be moving in with Jolie, Brad Pitt and their six children as early as next week.

“Brad and I are always thrilled to bring more souls into our seemingly unendingly abundant circle of love,” explained Angelina. “When I saw those yearning eyes of Nadya, I just knew she would be the perfect little addition to our family. Plus, I’ve always wanted to be a Grandma! In fact, I’ve always wanted to be a Grandma to 14 kids instantly!”

The news of the adoption seemed to come as a surprise to Angelina’s long time partner Brad Pitt. “That’s Angelina for you! Always finding a stray kitten, a couple dozen orphans or a psychotic mother to bring home. Guess I’m gonna have to clear out the game room to make some more space.” He also added that the new additions are coming just as he finally learned the names of the kids he already has at home.

Suleman released statements through her agent, publicist, attorney, and publicist’s agent saying that she is looking forward to moving in with the Jolie-Pitt family. She has requested that she get her own room, because she does not want to share one with Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox, Viviene, Elijah, Amerah, Joshua, Aiden, Calyssa, Caleb, Noah, Maliah, Isaiah, Nariah, Makai, Josiah, Jeremiah, or Jonah.

http://www.derfmagazine.com/index.php

Schultz and Dooley Utica Club Beer Spacemen TV Commercial

2009-02-15T15:43:00.001-05:00

The first beer mugs to reach the moon.

Camera Phone WIelding Douchebags Go On Bus Trip to the Taft

2009-02-15T15:02:00.005-05:00

Hynde still a solid rocker | Cincinnati Enquirer | Cincinnati.Com

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There must be something in the air at The Taft. Maybe lead paint or asbestos.

Maybe the suburbanites who have made their way into that BATTLE ZONE of downtown Cincinnati are so stressed out and pumped up with adrenaline that they are unable to remember how to behave in polite society. They've just walked two or three well lit blocks from a parking garage, and at any point during their journey, some weirdo could have asked them for some spare change, or tried to make eye contact. Their minds are probably still racing as they take to their seats, after getting a Mike's Hard Lemonade from the concession stand to calm their nerves.

During two different Allison Kraus shows, I was lucky enough to be in the audience with two or three dozen people who made it their duty to remind Allison to sing some songs from O Brother.

During an Elvis tribute show, I saw a 300 pound man crush a teenage girl to get a Teddy Bear from an Elvis impersonator. I also discovered that some concert goers don't let a good show get in the way of their regularity. I'm pretty sure it was a WDJO staffer.

I wonder what a Larry the Cable Guy show is like.

No I don't.

When I was seven, I saw Harry Blackstone Jr.'s magic show at The Taft. He floated an illuminated light bulb over the crowd. He asked everyone to please stay in their seats, and to please not stand up in an effort to touch it. Some did not listen, and this was before the age of Mike's Hard Lemonade. I hope he turned them into toads as they walked to their cars after the show.

AND...why doesn't the raw enthusiasm, the ability to act out, the boisterousness of the Taft concert crowd ever show up at GABP? Well, besides during the Pepsi Fun Bunch T-shirt giveaway....

Coming soon...a full review of Cannonball Run II...

Jack Atherton is ready to greet WLWT viewers with a heartfelt, "Hello!"

2009-02-02T23:45:00.001-05:00

Warren Zevon - Poor Poor Pitiful Me/Cadillac Ranch

2009-01-29T18:00:00.001-05:00

The Excitable Boy fires 'em up in New Jersey, 1982

Just wanted to make it official

2009-01-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

Time Warner Cable is outta here by the end of the month. Duke Energy might take a little longer, but I will wrestle myself away from their greedy, filthy, dirty mitts someday too.

The only utility in the area worth a damn is the Cincinnati Water Works. Man, they do a great job. I wish I could just sit around and write about them all day....

A Very Documentary Snow Day: SuperHigh vs Kong

2009-01-28T22:28:00.005-05:00

Branches are down, the driveway contains two ice-encrusted Toyotas, and Deano is trying hard to make sense of the backyard. I'm sure the city is crippled, but I'm not going to watch TV to find out the extent of their gimpyness.

Instead of watching Derek Beasley wet himself, I spent the day eating gingerbread cookies and watching two documentaries. They both came out last year, so I'm really catching up on things

Super High Me Yep, it's Supersize Me, except with weed. And yep, it plays out exactly how you would expect. This was a documentary based on a joke in comedian Doug Henson's act. The 30 second joke was better than the 90 minute documentary. I didn't hate it, but nothing really interesting happened. Opponents of legalizing medicinal marijuana are probably thrilled with the film, as the California dispensaries are seen as a place for stand-up comics to get props for their act.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters Wow, I liked this a lot. You've got a hero and villain right out of central casting. You've got the odd hangers-ons, extras and settings that only a subculture like competitive video gaming can provide. The prize our hero and villain are after is the Donkey Kong arcade game all-time high score. Really. I found myself fully invested in rooting for our hero, and wishing nothing but disgrace for our villain and his hangers-ons. It was Shakespearian, and we all know how much the Bard loved the image of little Italian men smashing barrels with a mallet.

By morning, I expect to be able to remove all of the ice and snow covering the Camry with one swift broom strike to the roof.

My Enemies List

2009-01-28T19:25:00.004-05:00

Keeping an updated enemies list is important. In no particular order, on this particular day....

-Guy Fieri (he's a douche)
-Jean Schmidt
-Alligators
-Sean Hannity
-Rob Schneider
-Christian Laettner
-Greg Oden
-Brown Recluse Spiders

It is a little snowy out

2009-01-28T10:28:00.001-05:00

I'm going to turn on the news to see if they're covering this.

Food Network Public Enemy Number One

2009-01-26T20:08:00.004-05:00

Still too much of this douche. Guy Fieri, pronounced "GUY FEE-ETT-DuDee" or some shit to make him sound Eurosheik.

I should really like his show, "DDD". In fact, I've liked and still like many shows that are the exact same concept, minus the spikey-haired, mugging host. I'll still turn it on occasionally, digging the cool places he goes, and then turn it off four seconds later when he does something annoying.

If you want to enjoy the genre, Man v. Food on the Travel Channel is fantastic. Adam Richman is the host, he's personable and funny without being obnoxious. He not only explores cool restaurants, he ends the show by engaging in food challenge of some sort, eating a giant plate of food. I am a big fan of such endeavors.

Bobby Flay used to be my public enemy number one. But I think he's mellowed with age. I guess if Morimoto can forgive him for jumping on the cutting board, I can move him a few spots lower on my Enemies List.

But Guy Manrings has two or three or maybe four shows on the Food Network, and it seems that two or three or four promos for his shows appear in every commercial break.

Guy Fierie is a douche. When Lord and Lady Douchebag invented the douche bag, they never knew that it would be an even more appropriate name for a tv cook so many years later. Guy Fierie is a douche bag.

The charm of shows that visit little dive restaurants is the food and people that are in those restaurants. His presence in their establishment is a turd in a punchbowl.

DINER COOK: And then we slap in some shortening and...

GUY: "SLAP?" Slap! (Mugs for camera) Slap?! Is that a cooking term, SLAP? (Mugs for camera)

DINER COOK: Uh, that's just how we do it. Then, we put in a smidge of sugar.....

GUY: "SMIDGE!?!?!?!?!" (knocks cook out of way to give full face grin and nod into camera)

His endorsement of Fridays makes me want to go there even less, and I did not think that was possible.

He began his career on Next Food Network Star, which is Top Chef for retards.

I might open a cool little diner just so I can get him to visit, then I will serve him a stool in a punchbowl, put on some manrings and punch him in the face.

The Utica Club Way....UC

2009-01-23T20:05:00.002-05:00

Don't be a Mo.

2009-01-23T19:14:00.002-05:00

Live Blog Trial Take Two

2009-01-20T11:48:00.023-05:00

11:50 Rick Warren is saying the opening prayer. All the while, Larry Craig is sitting at home furiously tapping his foot.

11:53 Sen. Feinstein is hoping to put this gig on her audition reel to host the Oscars.

11:54 REEFA!!!!!! Hopefully, after the song she will be officially sworn in as the 1st lady of soul. Gotta be tough to have a big voice in that weather, though her hat and bosoms look warming.

11:57: Biden needs shades. Someone is a prankster, as he is being sworn in while holding his hand on the DC phonebook.

11:58 JP Stevens is one of those cats that can always rock a bowtie.

11:59 Yo to the Ma in da house. P-Diddy is still pissed at his agent for not getting him this gig.

12:02 Those kids are cuter than homemade shoes.

12:03 How do you keep your lips from sticking to a flute while it is so cold?

12:05 Wow...not my 1st or last chill of the day. Hail to the Chief.

12:26 The last few minutes of the address...

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

12:27 Feinstein "I have the distinct pleasure of introducing an American poet, Mr Andrew Dice Clay"

12:29: THIS is NOT a poem. I have not heard one rhyme. I'm trying to count syllables, it might be a string of haikus.

12:32 This is DEFINITELY a benediction.

12:37 It must be an old preacher trick to see if everyone is paying attention...rhyming brown with down and yellow with mellow in the same sentence.

12:39: Quick! Run off to get coffee before analysts try to steal my soul and empty my head.

God Bless America, and Hail to the Chief...........................

The Missing Link Between Old Man Potter and The Big Lebowski

2009-01-20T11:32:00.005-05:00

Cheney is too tough to need a blanket.

He WOULD look fantastic in a Snuggie.

My new favorite NFL team

2009-01-15T18:58:00.006-05:00

I'm in the market for an NFL team.

Some folks I like and respect have told me it is time to forget the Bengals exist, and start enjoying football as the fan of a new team.

Even in the darkest days of the 90's, I always stopped short of completely giving up on them. After all, I'd tell myself, Mike Brown isn't trying to lose. He's not trying to draft players who will fall apart. Sure, he might only be in the football business for the money, but he'll make even more money when they win. The Bengals had been the victims of some really bad luck, and I was sure prosperity was just around the corner.

Plus, the loudest and fiercest cries of Bengal hatred came from talk radio. You know, retards. This immediately put me on the other side of the debate.

Plus, I still thought going to a game was an awesome way to spend a Sunday.

I'd have a few drinks at Plum Street Cafe, and wander down to the stadium after the game started, buying a ticket for five or ten bucks. Or I'd tailgate on Plum Street and eat some sausage, sip some beer, dine on gazpacho, and toss a football around.

Paul Brown Stadium was brand new and very cool. The opening scoreboard animation was exciting and compelling and made me growl like a tiger from the depths of my booze and soup filled belly. There were some really crappy games, and some good ones. The defense was always decent to watch when Dick LeBeau was the coordinator. I was there when Corey Dillon broke the single game rushing record, three rows from the field with a pal and a fifth of Canadian whiskey.

Then, my patience was rewarded. Marvin Lewis came to town and the Bengals were in the playoffs. All the talk radio callers busted out their orange and black weight lifter pants from the Forrest Gregg days and got fired up. They were gonna play Pittsburgh at home, they were on their way to the AFC Championship.

But a big Hawaiian flopped around and took a dump on our party.

Since then, the luck has been bad, the team has been bad, and the talk radio tards have bleached their Barbarian Brother pants and turned them into cutoffs. I guess. Maybe they threw them out, I dunno. The only good thing about the swing in fortune is the scalpers bought seat licenses and a ton of tickets and must be getting soaked.

Last season, I didn't go to a game, or watch more than three total quarters of Bengals football. It might have been good for them if I had. Candice and I are undefeated rooting for the home team at PBS. It was just hard to get fired up enough to watch them on TV much less go. I was also much more interested in the progress of my Ball State Cardinals.

So....anyway....I think I'm ready to move on. Become a fan of a new team. Not having a dog in the NFL fight made me watch less pro football overall, and why should I let the Bengals do that to me?

I could go with one of the four remaining playoff teams. I'm sure there are plenty of dudes, in Cincinnati, tossing their Patriot hoodies in the closet and heading to Steve and Barry's to check out the Arizona Cardinal section, but that's not how I roll. These are the same clowns in the Florida Gator gear and the Duke shirts and the Boston Red Sox hats. They drink Smirnoff Ice and they pass out 'taters to each other and they go to Hooters and they think the waitress likes them and they're thinking of getting a barbed wire tattoo and they just bought an Escalade off lease. I dislike them strongly, and I would like to slap the Jaegerbombs out of their hands and unplug the jukebox before their Nickelback comes on.

So, where do I take my allegiance?

I'm trying to keep an open mind. I don't want to rule out teams that I hate, and that list just keeps growing. In fact, the list of things I hate in general grows longer and longer every day...did I mention Nickelback?

Cleveland and Indianapolis are the closest NFL cities, but as a Bengals fan, I've been conditioned to hate the Browns. As someone who doesn't like watching a great regular season team choke in the playoffs, I've been conditioned to hate the Colts. Actually, seeing Peyton Manning on a TV commercial every three minutes did that for me too. And, oh yeah, if I became a Colts fan I would not have a very peaceful home life, or perhaps a too peaceful home life, inasmuch as it would be a solitary home life. The point is, geography is no help in choosing my new team.

But, I think I have it figured out. I think I'm ready to roll the dice, and I'm going to start from a positive place.

Nate Davis was the quarterback for the only football team I found worthy of my fandom this year, the Ball State Cardinals. He's going to the NFL. The team that drafts him will be my new favorite team. They will have one of my all time favorite college football players from my all time favorite college football team. They will be a smart team that recognizes talent.

Or, he'll be drafted by the Bengals. They will draft him in the first round, and try to turn him into a center. He'll be injured in training camp and spend the rest of his life in the Caribbean, living off his thirty year guaranteed contract.

Someone didn't like The Passion of the Tebow as read by Thom Brennamen

2009-01-13T00:17:00.007-05:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE

So they attacked poor Thom's Wikipedia entry.

Well, he kinda set himself up for it...

"If you're fortunate enough to spend 5 minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it."

Not only did Brennaman go on and on about what a remarkable man Tebow is, but he used these words to back Tebow against Dominique Franks -- who said Tebow would be no better than the fourth-best QB in the Big 12 -- stating that it "might be the single most ridiculous statement that anybody has ever uttered."

After an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty was called against Tim, “that might be the first thing he’s ever done wrong in his life”

"The passion, the fire of Tim Tebow, who is the unquestioned greatest leader in college football"

"and an even more impressive young man"

"he's fed needy children, lived in an orphanage, as well as a leper colony"

"I just really don't think you really can talk enough....all the things you hear about him...none of them can do him justice until you meet him in person."

In other news, my Superbowl pick went down. I liked San Diego, for no particular reason except I saw them beat Indy. I should not have put much stock in that win, because it was just another Manning choke.

I'll go with the Eagles now, also for no particular reason. Though I did hear that Donovan McNabb was thinking about bringing Chunky Soup to lepers in the off season.

Leave it all behind you....

2009-01-10T22:58:00.007-05:00

The great Louis Armstrong

Yep, that's him, through the keyhole, sitting on the terlet, happy as a clam.

“I take my Swiss Kriss, man, they keep you rollin’. Old Methuselah, he’d have been here with us if he had know about them!”

He sang the praises of his favorite herbal laxative whenever possible. He signed some autographs, "Swiss Krissly yours." He passed out samples of Swiss Kriss to fans, friends, and members of the British Royal Family.

Louis always seemed to be a healthy chap, and he lived a long life, especially for a jazz musician born in 1901.

Gwyneth Paltrow, however, seems like she could do with a little more time on the opposite end of the digestion spectrum:

She is in need of a muffaletta the size of that bow on her neck, and maybe a nice bowl of soup too.

But she's decided to concentrate on pooping instead.

Via GOOP.COM, she's letting fans of detoxifying in on her strategy to get rid of that extra 6 grams she gained over the holidays.

My favorite tip:If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification.

I prefer a heartier oil. Actually, I prefer butter. Half a pound of butter. On cold nights, I melt it first.

Good luck to you and your colon in the new year!

Tim Tebow doesn't sleep, he waits. He waits. He waits for the inevitable battle with Chuck Norris.

2009-01-09T11:11:00.006-05:00

Yikes. I was uncomfortable listening to the praise. Especially since Utah is the real #1 team in the country.

Announcer Thom mentioned many a good deed done by Mr. Tebow. Orphans, lepers, and the underprivileged have all been touched by his good work.

They did not mention Tim also went to The Philippines to do a little penis slicing. He was circumcising in Manila. I won't post a link, because I am queasy enough as it is, but look it up if you don't believe me.

Question: Was he circumcising lepers? How hard is that? Just shake 'em a little, eh?

The reason this trip did not affect his amateur status was because he did not get a salary, he was just taking tips.

News and Notes

2009-01-08T10:02:00.009-05:00

In the mood for a contest involving the death of a conservative commentator? It is not for the faint of heart, but you can find it here: IBREAL

New Years Eve was a blast, though I have discovered I can no longer down a fifth of bourbon like I used to. I was Johnny Half Brew by the end of the night, leaving a double deuce almost untouched. If anyone would like to join me, I think I will be returning to the Embassy Suites to enjoy the manager's cocktail reception soon, though I won't be getting a room. Maybe get a newspaper, show up for the free breakfast, then hang around the lobby til 5 for cocktails.

Hard to get excited about "National Title Games" eh? I hereby declare Utah #1. Everything else is bullshit and everyone knows it but no one is doing anything about it. Screw the economy and a world that hates us, President Obama needs to right the ship of college football on day one.

Black 47 is playing in Dayton on March 3rd. I haven't seen them since the Guinness Fleadh at the Chicago Motor Speedway. There were a few others playing that day, and I saw most if not all of the sets from:

Van Morrison
Elvis Costello
Shane MacGowan
Lucinda WIlliams
Taj Mahal
Steve Earl
and, for some reason...
Hootie and the Blowfish were the headliners.

The Saw Doctors were there, but I didn't get to see much of them.

Time management between the stages was helped by Shane MacGowan being an hour and a half late for his set. And TORN UP. I don't think there were any baby sipped double deuces around him. They actually had to shut his set down early to close the festival on time.

Speaking of which, I was at the show as the guest of an Irish Saloon Keeper, and had access to free Harp and Guinness in the hospitality tent. Somehow, I kept my pace tight.

Yesterday at the Produce Patch: FREE BANANAS! Man, it does pay to leave the house every once in a while.

A favorite obit

2009-01-07T20:10:00.005-05:00

I saw this in the Sunday New York Times back in 1997, and I hung it up on my desk. I think I still have it in a pile of stuff that did not make the move from Mt. Adams to Kenwood. It is a great piece of writing about a fascinating life.

May 18, 1997
Joanie Weston, 62, a Big Star In the World of Roller Derbies

By ROBERT MCG. THOMAS JR.
Joanie Weston, a strapping power hitter who passed up a promising and respectable future in softball to become the gum-chewing, power-skating, hip-bumping golden girl of Roller Derby, died on May 10 at her home in Hayward, Calif., near San Francisco. She was 62 and skated in an exhibition game only last year.

Her husband, Nick Scopas, said the cause was Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, a rare brain disorder.

Miss Weston may not have been the most accomplished athlete of her generation, but there surely were not many others who hit eight home runs in a single college softball game.

Miss Weston did just that at Mount St. Mary's College in Los Angeles, and in fact was perfectly prepared to keep on going. But, she liked to recall, the nuns, in a gesture of sublime sportsmanship and Christian compassion for the team's hapless junior college opponents, told her that if she hit a ninth one out of the park, they would excommunicate her on the spot.

Miss Weston, who was born in the Los Angeles-area town of Huntington Beach and grew up in nearby Downey, was a natural athlete who excelled in every sport she tried.

But she came of age at a time when professional athletic opportunities for women were few.

Still, if there were no major leagues for women, there was Roller Derby, and from the time she attended a tryout in Los Angeles when she was still a teen-ager, she was hooked by the sport.

After all, while Roller Derby's women did not skate with or against men, they were an integral part of the team, taking to the track for two of the four 12-minute quarters and skating under the same no-holds-barred rules that applied to their male teammates.

For all the sneering it engendered, Roller Derby had a surprisingly legitimate lineage.

Although the name and the vague underlying concept were dreamed up in Chicago in 1935 by Leo Seltzer, an impresario who needed an attraction to fill a hall he had leased, the classic game of Roller Derby was not invented until two years later, and the man who invented it was the writer Damon Runyon.

It was Runyon, having run into Mr. Seltzer in Miami in 1937, who devised the rules that transformed what had been a languid roller-skating variation of a marathon endurance walk into a quick, exciting and brutal sport: two pairs of rival ''jammers'' break out of a pack of 10 skaters and sprint around a 100-foot banked track, trying to lap and pass as many opponents as possible while their three teammates try to make things easier by slowing or even upending three rival blockers.

It was a prescription that made Roller Derby a national television rage in the 1950's and filled Madison Square Garden and other arenas as late as the mid-1970's.

During her 19 seasons, Miss Weston, known variously as the Blond Bomber, the Blond Amazon and the Roller Derby Queen, was a premier attraction.

As she was painfully aware, Roller Derby was a spectacle forever struggling to be a sport.

But in an event whose whooping fans reserved their loudest whoops for the skaters with the prettiest faces, the blondest hair and the most buxom figures, at least Miss Weston was as pretty as they come, her hair was longer and bleached blonder than anybody else's, and, at 5 feet 10 inches and 165 pounds, she had the perfect Roller Derby build.

It was a build that seemed designed to bounce an opponent on her bottom, and Miss Weston could easily hold her own in the hair-pulling, face-slapping, roll-around brawls that became one of Roller Derby's most crowd-pleasing attractions.

For all that, Miss Weston, who skated pivot, a position that allowed her to be a sprinting jammer in one 60-second jam and a blocker the next, approached Roller Derby as a consummate professional.

She spent untold hours practicing and perfecting the meticulous combinations of strides and body moves for each phase of the game.

Sport or spectacle, Roller Derby was undeniably rough, and Miss Weston had the false teeth to prove it.

In one memorable game, she once recalled, she got into such a vigorous quarrel with a referee that two of the teeth flew out of her mouth, barely missing the ref's ear.

''I don't mind you yelling,'' the startled official said, ''but don't send your teeth out to bite me.''

Even after the league folded in the mid-1970's and Mr. Seltzer's son, Jerry, sold the name Roller Derby to other promoters, Miss Weston continued her devotion to her sport, training skaters and staging exhibition games at a Hayward track.

And oh, yes, the woman who once hit eight home runs in a single game became a fixture in Bay Area softball leagues.

In addition to her husband, Miss Weston, whose mother died several months ago, is survived by two stepchildren, Tracy Munoz of Hayward and Nick Scopas Jr. of Manteca, Calif., and four stepgrandchildren.

12-2

2009-01-07T10:18:00.003-05:00

Not a great close to an otherwise great season. Losing to Buffalo and Tulsa....eh....

But it was a great year to be a Cardinal fan. I had a blast going to the games, just like I always do, but seeing the team perform at a higher level was especially gratifying. I'm looking forward to following some of the seniors, and maybe a certain junior, as they make their way to the NFL.

At first, I was a little grumpy that I wasn't in Mobile, cooking up some sausage in the tailgating lot, waiting for a young hopper to stroll by with my five dollar ticket. When the rain began to fall and then the rain began to pour and then the score began to get out of hand, I was fine with being in my warm living room

Congrats to the players, coaches, and equipment manager for a great season. See ya next year.

And I guess it could have been WORSE

OK....one more Red Sovine

2009-01-02T10:31:00.002-05:00

He's performing "Hold Everything".

Is this The Faron Young Show? Hopefully my loyal reader Robby Falcon, or my less than loyal reader Shotgun Red will let me know.

I dunno....but it's a country teen dance party where everyone in the room appears to be in their mid to late 40's.

Red Sovine: Juke Joint Johnny

2009-01-02T10:26:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Robby Falcon for remembering Red Sovine was about much more than dead children. He also knows every gal who wants to have fun.

The audio isn't great, but the video is stunning.

Where's Wallace at?????

2009-01-02T09:55:00.003-05:00

Some thoughts on THE WIRE, my new obsession...

Does every bar in Baltimore feature a chain smoking blonde ready to have sex on a car hood with the first drunk dude reeking of Jameson to proposition her?

The Bunk is a quote machine, the writers must've loved coming up with awesome lines for him.

When the Pogues recorded "Body of an American", did they ever imagine being part of a raucous police sing-a-long, with the guest of honor being a dead cop on a pool table?

Omar is larger than life, a TV character that explodes on the screen and commands your attention.

McNulty was almost absent from season four, it is probably not as fun to write about a cop who drives a patrol car and then goes home. What we did see of him was very well done, especially the scenes between McNulty and Bodie.

Bodie's character progression was awesome, realistic, subtle.....

I'm going to stop right there, no sense in spoiling anything for someone who might not have watched yet. In fact, I still have 9 episodes of the series left....

OK...this commercial is the best on TV....has anyone else seen it???? Was I dreaming????

2008-12-30T23:59:00.005-05:00

It is giving me nightmares, and causing me to use excessive punctuation.

It is for Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, and the message is: public restrooms are dirty, but your toilet at home is pretty icky too...especially if you don't use Lysol toilet bowl cleaner.

They open the commercial talking about germs in public restrooms. Everyone knows public restrooms are full of germs. We see a woman standing in a particularly filthy one. It is pretty spacious, full of graffiti, and they do everything but show you poop on the walls to prove the point that it is gross. She looks a little scared as she surveys it. Think about what those punks who spray painted the walls must've inhaled while they were tagging.

Then, we see the woman putting toilet paper on the seat, the way I hear many people do before using a public toilet. Building a nest.

Next....we discover that the nest was not for her. She was building a single-ply wall of germ protection for a young girl, no more than four years old. The child is now sitting on the toilet, and the woman is kneeling next to her, arms around her, holding her close. The actress in this commercial lets her eyes tell the story that this is the most dangerous, frightening place in the world...but she won't let this child go through it alone. The babe stares blankly ahead, probably trying to brew one up, not an easy task with someone trembling inches away from your face.

In the next scene, we see two happier gals at home, cleaning the toilet together. This scene bears good news in many ways. First of all, the clean toilet in the home will prevent germs and possibly graffiti vandals. Also, they made it out of that public restroom without incident. And, since they are in a house together, this means they are probably related. Had they been strangers in the previous scene, it would have been even more tragic.

The Snuggie.....a robe worn backwards? No! A Snuggie!!!

2008-12-30T23:05:00.002-05:00

Problem #1 with blankets: They can slip and slide.
Problem #2 with blankets: They lack sleeves, thus depriving you of looking like a member of the Heavens Gate cult.

What in the world am I going to do to resolve these problems in 2009?

A thousand miles and a cloud of meat

2008-12-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

The lobby of the El San Juan Hotel is breathtaking. It is much more than a place where you check in at the desk and look over a rack of brochures. Guests spend quality time in the lobby that does not involve drinking free coffee from an impossibly small styrofoam cup. It is Puerto Rico's formal living room, full of marble and mahogany and big comfy furniture. There are several bars, dozens of waitresses, live music and an adjoining casino. There is a dress code for the lobby on weekend nights, and you'd feel out of place without at least a sports coat on any night.

I'd come for professional reasons to cover their new "Celebrity Package". The idea was to book a room under the name of a celebrity. You could be Brad Pitt, or Tyrone Power, or Lou Ferrigno, or Eartha Kitt, then spend your time at the hotel as that person. I was Frank Sinatra. A limo driver greeted me at the airport holding a sign for Mr. Sinatra, I signed my bar and restaurant tabs as Frank Sinatra, the staff referred to me as Mr. Sinatra...very cool stuff.

Every night, my pal Dean Martin and our hostess from the hotel P.R. department would get dressed up, and head to the lobby for massive amounts of drinks. We'd go to one of the hotel's eight restaurants and have huge meals. We'd go back to the lobby for more free drinks. Then, I'd head back up to the room and order some beer, a cheeseburger and a milkshake from room service. I proudly signed each of these tabs with the Frank Sinatra signature I'd been practicing for the last month.

During this trip, I also survived a hurricane and was cast in a movie with Bo Derek. Yep, that's how I roll.

They had just opened a new rooftop restaurant called The Ranch, and it was my duty as a professional to try it out. The Ranch featured Texas barbecue type food. I guess they figured it was smart to have that option for guests who were bored with the Japanese, Chinese, seafood, steakhouse, and three other restaurants.

In true Puerto Rican Texas Roadhouse fashion, you were greeted with a "Howdy Amigo" when you walked in, past the mechanical bull, singing cowboy waiters and dancing cowgirl waitresses.

I looked over the menu and I was immediately captivated by the Rancho Pig Plate. It was a "challenge" entree, they dared you to finish the whole plate. Finishing all the food on the plate made the entree free, and got you a place of honor on the Pig Plate hall of fame. The restaurant was only about a month old, so only two pictures were hanging up. One was a happy looking amigo giving two meaty thumbs up to the camera. Inspired by immortality, and half a dozen pre-meal rum drinks, I was ready to make my mark.

The Pig Plate consisted of a rack of ribs, half a pound of beef brisket, half a pound of pulled pork, mashed potatoes, baked beans, coleslaw, corn bread, and half a rotisserie chicken.

I dove in with reckless abandon. The ribs and chicken were no problem, perfectly smoked and delicious. I quickly reduced them to nothing but bones left with barely enough protein to make a bowl of soup. I then slowly and steadily made my way through the sides and remaining meat, going back and forth for variety, occasionally cleansing my palate with a light beer.

The last dozen bites were not for hunger. They weren't for indulgence. They were just for pride. The manhole cover size platter lay bare but for a pile of bones.

As I contemplated my newfound immortality, I felt a clammy chill, I felt moisture on my brow, and I shook a little with the meat sweats.

I posed for a picture with the waitress, a picture that would be hung on the wall with the two other warriors who had conquered the Pig Plate. I forced a smile and resisted the urge to curl up in a ball in the soft landing area around the mechanical bull.

I put on my sports jacket and waddled along with my admiring companions to the lobby. I forced down a drink, and told them I needed to call it a night. The Puerto Rican Rat Pack was gonna be down a man this night.

As I sat on the bathroom floor of my room, eschewing my nightcap burger and shake for the first time this trip, I wondered if immortality was worth it. The cool tile and porcelain comforted me.

The realization that, since I was here on a press tour, the meal would have been free anyway, did not comfort me.

The real Frank would have had a salad and a Jack and Coke.

2008: Things I Enjoyed

2008-12-29T10:40:00.006-05:00

Caribou Coffee It is so much tastier than Starbucks, and you don't have to speak fake Italian to order.

The Wire I'm in the middle of season 4, and I wish it were coming back for a season 6. I'll be watching season 5 slowwwly, savoring every minute.

The Office Still the best comedy on TV.

Harry Potter I read all seven books for the first time and I'm glad I waited to do it that way.

Jensen Beach Florida

Pierogi

Ball State Cardinal Football

Merry Merry Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T14:19:00.003-05:00

Today, I shall eat 2 dozen pierogi.

I should really set up a VOX audio stash or something like that so I can post tunes, in the meantime, please enjoy this holiday classic.

FAITH IN SANTA

I gave UBM the heads up on this being the greatest Christmas song of all time, so I have inspired an award winning writer. I have some theories about this song, and would welcome hearing any others.

Speaking of UBM, I am on episode 2 of season 4 of The Wire, and declare it the best thing ever on TV.

Happy Christmas!

Things I have not bought that I Love

2008-12-20T12:26:00.002-05:00

My infatuation with all things OFFICE led me to Mindy Kaling's blog. As an Ivy league educated writer and actress, she may not share many personality traits with her character Kelly, but she does appear to share a love of shopping.

MINDY'S BLOG

I am not Ivy League educated. I am not yet an Emmy award winning writer.

But I kinda like this bag.

I guess I have a fascination with organization because it so often eludes me. This is the kind of accessory that I feel could change my life. It is a flip front tote made by TUMI, a smaller bag that can be worn over the shoulder or across the body.

I have an image of myself walking to an airline gate with said bag, producing my boarding pass from the front flap and striding toward my seat. My gum, book, phone, and peanut butter cookies would all be perfectly organized inside. I'd probably be stopped on my way back to coach, and told that a man of my obvious taste needs to be seated in first class.

The size and design are trendy without being pretentious, and at under 100 bucks, you could almost afford your own upgrade.
Almost.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-17T13:35:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

NEW FEATURE: Profanity Monday

2008-12-15T19:35:00.005-05:00

Fuck. I hate fucking driving in Florence fucking Kentucky. The Turfway/Houston road area is full of cocksmokes and douchebags. The parking lots are populated by dickweeds going 3 miles per hour and assmunchers flying through parking lanes at 40. I am going to punch someone in their goddamn throat.

Lunch was good though. That Noodles and Company makes some tasty shit. Son of a bitch, that pad thai was delicious! Gonna try the macaroni and motherfucking cheese next time.

Someone threw a shoe at my President...

2008-12-15T16:57:00.005-05:00

and I just can't stop chuckling at the video.

Good thing it wasn't Eddie Murphy's mom.

Or Bozo the Clown.

It woulda been pretty freakin' awesome if a secret service agent's shoe came flying off, and knocked the shoe out of the air like a scud.

W has had practice at this, winging a shoe at a suspect is part two of the Texas State trooper field sobriety test.

It also woulda been awesome if the shoe had somehow hit Harry Whittington.

Bill Clinton dodged some shoes in his day, probably a couple of vases too....am I right, people!?

This was a great event for the President. Instead of being remembered for senseless foreign policy and starting a depression, history will remember him as the President that almost got hit by a shoe.

Gingerbread Waffles

2008-12-08T10:39:00.001-05:00

Best Recipe I've seen so far...open to more suggestions....

Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 1/2 cups fat-free buttermilk
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 tablespoons molasses
2 teaspoons finely grated peeled fresh ginger
2 large egg yolks
1/2 cup applesauce
3 tablespoons minced crystallized ginger
2 large egg whites
Cooking spray

Directions
Lightly spoon flour into dry measuring cups; level with a knife. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a medium bowl; stir with a whisk.
Combine buttermilk, vegetable oil, molasses, fresh ginger, egg yolks and applesauce in a small bowl. Add milk mixture to flour mixture, stirring just until combined. Stir in crystallized ginger.
Beat egg whites with a mixer at high speed until soft peaks form. Gently fold egg whites into batter.
Coat a waffle iron with cooking spray, and preheat. Spoon about 1/3 cup batter per 4-inch waffle onto hot waffle iron, spreading batter evenly to edges. Cook for 5 minutes or until steaming stops. Repeat with remaining batter.

Maybe a gingerbread/pumpkin hybrid waffle....my quest shall continue....

D-Bag of the Week

2008-12-04T17:59:00.017-05:00

JASON KING IS A DOG TURD

On Saturday, I posted a link to THIS article from Jason Whitlock. He lauded the 2008 Ball State team, and called into question ESPN's influence over college football. Mr. Whitlock works for the Kansas City Star, and apparently at some point he pissed off a punk kid named Jason King who also spent some time at that paper. Young Jason writes for Yahoo Sports and he hates the Ball State Cardinals. He especially dislikes them for not accepting a bid to The Humanitarian Bowl to play Boise State on their home turf. Without even a nod at the concept of nuance, he flat out calls the team cowardly. He ignores facts to make his points, engages in hyperbole that isn't even clever or fun hyperbole, and worst of all, his ass-like grinning monkey face is at the top of the column.

THIS IS THE COLUMN

I'm immediately consoled by the fact that Jason Whitlock is a much better writer than Jason King. Well, Jason Whitlock is an excellent writer, and the only work I've seen from Jason King indicates he is not. He is, at best, part of the breed of sports columnists who take the sports talk radio 'stir them up' route. His article has the tone of a high school sports column written about his team's crosstown rival, and the crosstown rival's quarterback just made out with King's girlfriend.

Here's everything I know about Jason King:

Jason King covers college football and basketball for Yahoo! Sports and is the author of Kansas Jayhawks: A Year to Remember. A winner of multiple writing awards, King formerly served as a college football and basketball beat writer and NFL beat writer for the Kansas City Star. King is a 1997 graduate of Baylor University.

My source for this information is his bio on Yahoo. After reading his article about Ball State, I decided to be responsible in my writing and do some research. I could have just said Jason King is a dog turd and left it at that, but then I would be operating at the level of Jason King. And Jason King is, after all, a dog turd.

He missed a couple of facts in his little tirade. Boise State's opponents have lost more games than they've won, Boise State turned down an offer to play the Cardinals in Detroit, and Ball State has obligations to the MAC bowl games that they would need a heck of a good offer to turn down. Playing in The Humanitarian Bowl on their opponent's blue turf did not work out to be a good offer.

Beyond facts, his assumptions are pretty suspect too: "This was Ball State’s chance to become a player, albeit a small one, in big-time college football. This was how the Cardinals could’ve forced people to begin mentioning them in the same breath with other non-BCS schools such as Fresno State, Boise State and Utah."

Brady Hoke has said all season that his goal was to take the team to a bowl, his goal after that would be to win a bowl. I'm glad my team doesn't have a coach who makes it his goal to have Yahoo Sports columnists mention the team in the same breath as Fresno State.

Then, there's what he really missed. Calling a team that doesn't want to travel three time zones to play a bowl game on another teams home field "cowardly" is just silly. Throwing that word at this particular team is just stupid. A team that came back from the loss of their best wide receiver by running the table and going undefeated in the regular season.

In game four, Dante Love suffered a career ending injury that could have been even worse. The team watched as Dante was carted off into an ambulance, no one knowing if he would ever lead a normal life. Coach Hoke spent the night with him in the hospital, giving everyone status updates. It takes a coach and a team who are pretty free from cowardice to overcome that.

So why write the article this way? Why speak of a team with no backbone, a team that is scared?

Because it was easy and cowards take the easy way out?

It is certainly easier than writing a fact filled article about how both of these teams deserve better bowl options than what they are getting. How those bowl options aren't there because of a BCS system that only the big corporations and the eventual national champion find good and true.

That article would be hard to write, and might offend the general ESPN BCS sensibilities. ESPN is a place where King might want to work someday if he can get off the Yahoo Sports page. So writing that article would take some backbone. That's not the kind of project a coward would undertake.

Especially when he is also a dog turd.

The Pogues and Joe Strummer - London Calling

2008-12-03T22:01:00.002-05:00

Tiger Woods bails out General Motors

2008-12-03T12:35:00.001-05:00

Tiger Woods bails out General Motors

Posted using ShareThis

Leftovers

2008-12-02T11:32:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving Leftovers: Good to the Last Scrap

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and not for all those dumb reasons people give about tradition, gathering with family, or reflecting on blessings. Nonsense. Thanksgiving is awesome because of food. Overindulging in huge, glorious plates of food. In fact, the best part about Thanksgiving food happens after the holiday, after the family and formality and blessing-reflecting has passed and a hungry man can eat in peace.

At the actual Thanksgiving meal, one tends to be polite. You do polite things like trying a little bit of everything...including having a bite of your aunt’s foul casserole and giving her a forced smile of approval. You’re polite by making sure everyone has been served before going in for seconds, or thirds. In fact, I am polite to the point of using utensils instead of ripping into the turkey with my bare hands as God intended. But once you’ve finally got the deadbeats out the door, it is time to get rid of that forced humanity and eat like a man. It is time to strip to the waist, grab a couple bucket sized Gladware containers full of leftovers, and shovel them into your mouth using a turkey leg as a spoon. Just like the Pilgrims did.

It isn’t just eating the food while half naked using a beach towel as a napkin that makes the leftovers better than the meal. It is also because they just tend to taste better after a little time for the flavors to meld, not to mention years of experience with HotPockets and burritos have made me an expert on microwave reheating. Indeed, there is never a reason for one scrap of Thanksgiving food to ever go to waste. In case you’re on the verge of throwing anything away, take a deep breath, and consider the following recipes from my massive files.

THE TURKEY MANWICH

Ingredients:
Leftover turkey meat, skin, fat and meat like substance from carcass.
1-2 cans manwich sauce
1 tray Bob Evans dinner rolls

Take the last remnants of protein from the bird and place it on a cutting board. Use a food processor, a knife in each hand, or a rolling pin to mash and mince everything together into one mass. Put this mass in a big bowl, microwave it covered in manwich sauce.

When it is nice and steamy, use the rolls to eat it ‘dip style’, or place the rolls on forks for a fondue kinda feel.

CRANBERRY VODKA APERITIF

Take those leftover cranberries and mix them with just enough vodka to keep a nice slimy consistency. Stick them in the freezer and tell the ladies they’re cosmo jello shots. Not only are they tasty, they’re great for urinary tract infections.

GRAVY AND CEREAL

Sounds ridiculous, right? But believe it or not, it’s true: some people do actually have leftover gravy. Those lucky folks can take that creamy brown goodness and combine it with a nice bran based cereal for the perfect start to any day. Heat it up on those cold mornings!

Obviously, you’re only as limited as your imagination. Here’s hoping your time in front of the TV with a bucket full of creamed corn and stuffing is well spent! Bon Appetit!

A Fan of the Mighty Cardinals....

2008-11-29T14:14:00.003-05:00

Jason Whitlock On BSUESPNBCSBS

The comments section is full of basturds.

Hopefully President Obama makes a college football playoff his number one priority.

The Worst Day of My Life

2008-11-23T22:00:00.002-05:00

There is no freakin' way I will ever watch American Idol again. Not after they broke my heart last year. And then they made fun of me at school the next day.

Scotty Anderson - Are You From Dixie

2008-11-19T00:01:00.001-05:00

He's pretty good.

Ball State and the BCS

2008-11-17T20:15:00.003-05:00

Ok..somehow my mighty Cardinals dropped from 14th to 17th, behind a TCU team with two losses. This affects our BCS chances, but I refuse to learn why. I refuse to understand or care about the BCS.

But I still hear tale that things look better for a big bowl game if UC wins the Big East and Ohio State loses a couple games.

Both of those things sound good to me.

Go Bearcats!

OLIVE GARDEN...When you're here, you're LOADED ON GOOFY GAS........

2008-11-14T22:07:00.004-05:00

The Olive Garden commercials have always fascinated me. Maybe it was jealousy that I do not have such fabulously witty and fun loving friends and family, jealousy that the people I dine with aren't prone to cracking up hysterically at the slightest quip.

So, I wanted to see what it would be like to laugh through a meal at the OG.

We walked in, I slapped my hand down on the hostess station and declared, "FAMISHED! Party of two!!", followed by a hearty belly laugh. A good belly laugh is infectious, and this one was a downright sloppy wet sneeze of delight.

And so it continued for the next 45 minutes.

Toward the end of the night, as my sides hurt from laughing, as Candice was cramping from the continual chuckles, as the entire restaurant struggled to catch their breath from the tsunami of mirth that sprang forth, the jovial waiter wanted to know if I wanted more iced tea.

"Indeed, my good man! Indeed!"

"Sweet or Unsweet?" asked the bearded garcon.

"Unsweet of course...there is enough sweetness at this table seated right across from me!"

The resulting howl could be heard for miles.

The waiter returned to the table later. He laid down a couple of those delightful Andes mints, and said to Candice, "More sweets for the sweet."

I don't really remember anything after that. The room started spinning and darkness set in.

Veterans Day

2008-11-10T22:52:00.002-05:00

One year I was in Las Vegas for Veterans Day. The massage parlors were offering a special for members of the armed services, half price plus a free honorable discharge.

On the Deuce.....

2008-11-08T21:49:00.001-05:00

Why yes, that was me on the sidelines at the Ball State Game. Pointing out some holes to Nate Davis, lending Coach Hoke some support, and generally trying to stay out of the way of the Mac Chain Gang.

RECAP IS HERE IF YOU WANNA CLICK

For some reason, they did not include video of me on the highlight reel.

Thanks to Beetle for the sideline passes.

Just another beautiful fall day in Muncie.......

The Chug did not check for one id, much less two........

Dante Love was there as honorary captain....

I really need to find a way to become a millionaire by tailgating and watching football games......

Star Trek Transporters, Britt Humes hair, and oh yeah....OOOOOooksx

2008-11-05T21:35:00.001-05:00

OBAMA WINS!!!!!

I would have been much more impressed if CNN had guests arrive as if they were winged monkeys from the Wizard of Oz instead of the transporter bizzniss. I just wasn't buying it. Maybe if they had danced and moved about the stage a bit, I would have been impressed.

OBAMA WINS!!!

In downtown Cincinnati, about 2 dozen chilly people gathered to watch Obama give his acceptance speech, and it was a dandy. I watched it again a few hours later and enjoyed it even more, because my nipples were flaccid.

Now, this poor guy has a ton of work to do. He's got a cable news network and a cult of radio talk show hosts who hope he'll fail and claim he's failing even if he isn't. So, he's gonna need plenty of help and good vibes from the people who elected him and other citizens who actually care about America.

Big night. High fives all around. A homeless dude downtown gave me the thumbs up.

Election Prediction

2008-11-03T09:26:00.000-05:00

Obama will win tomorrow when the west coast results come in. California, Oregon and Washington will end any doubt that may still be lingering at that point in the night. Joe the Plumber will begin consulting with his agent to get on a reality show, where things are just as fake as his fame.

Predictions:

Obama: 66,303,421 votes
355 electoral votes

McCain: 58, 243,741 votes
162 electoral votes

If the numbers look short, it is because my sources in Missouri tell me that the election will never actually be decided there. The vote counting will go to court and they will never actually certify the vote.

My 201st Post

2008-10-09T10:37:00.000-04:00

Not quite as exciting as #200.

My 200th Post

2008-10-09T10:36:00.001-04:00

Please feel free to congratulate me.

True dat.

2008-10-09T00:27:00.001-04:00

VP DEBATE...Live Blogging Trial

2008-10-02T21:04:00.020-04:00

"Can I call you Joe?"

"Sure...can I call you 'Retard'?"

How far can a person climb up a soccer mom's ass? Let's find out....

9:06: Soccer Mom's...

9:10:: Joe Six Pack, Hockey Moms....

Gov. Palin is huge on the "Darns" and "Hecks"

Back to my obsession with political hair...Biden's plugs look damn good as far as hair plugs go...during the Clarence Thomas hearings, they looked like the early stages of a Chia Pet.

9:12: "Darn right..."

I am really surprised the Republicans are cool with Sarah mentioning her record as Mayor in a VP debate so often.

9:16: Numbers, taxes, tax cuts, numbers....the American people tuned in to see this broad do something goofy, now they're gonna bolt and see what Tina Fey's take is on Saturday. Maybe pop in a DVD.

9:17: "Me and Todd have always been in the middle class....."

Where is Todd right now? Green room? Seeing how much cheese he can put in his mouth.....

9:20: Palin is smiling like a monkey on the split screen while Joe Biden rebuts...it is quite distracting.

9:23: "Bless their hearts"....I read an article about Gov. Palin's gubernatorial debates where she invoked that phrase....so I figured it'd come up tonight.

9:27: "Main streeters like me...."

9:30: Climate change question...I really hope she mentions Jesus.....no, she didn't. But it might've been a better answer than the baffling rant she just went on. This would be a good time for Joe Biden to sack up and clobber her.

9:35: HOLY SHIT....I think she just said, "Nuc-u-ler"......

9:36: 36 minutes into the debate and we FINALLY get to the most important issue facing America. Same sex benefits. Ye gad. It might be time to pop in a DVD.

9:43: "Fer sure..."

9:47: Yep...she's said "nuc-u-lar".

I hope the Palin/Kissinger meeting comes out on DVD. She is not real big on actually answering the questions asked of her. Just launches into a prepared speech....

9:52: Time to suck up to Israel now.....I'm gonna go pee.

9:55: Biden: "past is prologue...." Too hip for the room, Joe.

9:56: I will give my life savings to the democratic party if Joe Biden responds to her weapon rant by saying, "It's pronounced NU-CLEE-ER, you twat."

9:58: Looks like my savings will stay in the bank.

10:06: Sara Palin says "you betcha"....Joe Biden says "contemporaneously". That's probably why the race is kinda close.

10:09: "A team of mavericks..." Is that phrase sticking?

10:10: "Main street working class Americans...." and Joe spends a lot of time at Home Depot.....huh? Is he looking for illegal immigrants? Hanging out, watching the guy make keys?

10:11: "Doggone it...." "God bless her..."

10:14: "John McCain has already tapped me...." Finally, some big news!!

10:19: "Excepcionalism"

10:21: She might be getting slightly excited when she says the word "Maverick" Probably thinking of James Garner.

10:29: "the main stream media..." Devils. I'll betcha you won't see Sarah Palin being interviewed by anyone with an IQ over 100 between now and November 4th. Fox News and talk radio only. Much like this debate, when she ignores the actual question there...there won't be a follow-up..

So...Joe Biden wins on points. His answers were stronger and to the point, and many of his attacks went unanswered.

OK...that's a wrap, I'm gonna tune in Fox to watch their victory celebration, after all, she didn't pee her pants, mention professional wrestling, or hide behind the podium. She didn't answer questions directly either.....but what's the hecky darn point of that...God bless her...

Representing Ohio in the Coifress

2008-10-01T23:33:00.010-04:00

Ohio has a proud tradition of sending some crazy-ass wigs to Congress.

Former Ohio 18th district Congressman Bob Ney. He's sporting the 1970's sports anchor do. HIs hair, however, does not make the top of his list of crimes. He resigned resigned following his guilty plea to charges of conspiracy and making false statements in relation to the Jack Abramoff Indian lobbying scandal. He was also the genius behind "Freedom Fries"....socking it to the French in true Buckeye style

My congresswoman, for now, the lovely and talented Jean Schmidt from the 2nd district. She rocks the bun, often accented with patriotic bows and ribbons in red, white, and blue. These ribbons prove that she loves America.

The one and only Steve Chabot, Congressman from the great 1st District of Ohio. This is an official photo....so his hair looks better here than if you saw him at the mall, or riding a roller coaster. Basically, that swoop on the left side of his head unfurls to his knees every morning in the shower, and then is carefully layered atop his dome by a staff of illegal immigrant workers. It's a comb over, and, yep, it's a beauty.

But it never got any better than the big daddy from Youngstown...

Jim Trafficant.

He gave some great speeches, his district loved him, and off he went to jail.

So, I saw an anti-Chabot ad on TV the other day and I was thinking: If I were running against him, I would attack his hair. A vicious, completely personal, non-issue related commercial mocking Steve's comb over.

"Is this how you want Cincinnati to be represented in Congress?"

Maybe hire some college kids to follow him around and take pictures during windstorms. Just brutal attack ads based solely on appearance. Why not?

Yes, I would lower the lever of political discourse. In fact the discourse would have nothing to do with politics at all...it would just be personal. Probably best that I'm not running.

So, congrats to his opponent, Steve Driehaus, for not taking the low road.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2008-10-01T12:54:00.004-04:00

PINK FOR OCTOBER

Deano believes that clothing a dog is dreadful, a humiliating exercise....but,,,he's down with the cause.

Dante Love Medical and Reimbursement Fund

2008-09-27T15:17:00.004-04:00

So one day, you're a stud wide receiver and kick returner. You're setting school records, thinking about graduation and maybe a bowl game and maybe the NFL. One freak accident later, and you're just hoping to lead a normal life.

Donate a couple of bucks to help him and his family...

HERE

"Everything thought I've had, every deed I've done, every move I've made....."

2008-09-25T00:10:00.004-04:00

"every action and inaction....everything that has happened since I arrived in office...

It's all completely fucked over the American people.

Whoops!

Sorry dudes!

Good news though....now that I'm gonna be outta office, I can start drinkin' in public again!!"

Dante Love

2008-09-24T00:30:00.004-04:00

It was great to get to see him play over the last four years. His football career is over too early, but everyone is thrilled he's gonna be ok.

BALL STATE UNIVERSITY STATEMENT

Stone Mountain Georgia: It works on so many levels!

2008-09-16T10:28:00.005-04:00

On November 25, 1915, a group of robed and hooded men met at Stone Mountain to create a new incarnation of the Ku Klux Klan. They were led by William J. Simmons, and they included a group calling itself the Knights of Mary Phagan. A cross was burned, and the oath was administered by Nathan Bedford Forrest II, the grandson of the original Imperial Grand Wizard, Gen. Nathan B. Forrest, and was witnessed by the owner of Stone Mountain, Samuel Venable.

On July 19th, 2008, a group of people wearing cargo pants and fanny packs assembled at Stone Mountain to watch a laser light show, shop for trinkets, and eat fried pickles and funnel cakes.

I have a feeling that most of the thousands who assembled in summer 2008 weren't thinking of, or even knew of what transpired there back in the day. Too many rides to ride, picnic spots to seek out, and dinner reservations to make. In fact, there were people of all colors strolling about.

The carving itself is quite impressive. Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis are featured on horseback, their hats over their hearts. The entire carved surface measures three acres, about the size of three football fields. The carving of the three men towers 400 feet above the ground, measures 90 by 190 feet, and is recessed 42 feet into the mountain. The deepest point of the carving is at Lee's elbow, which is 12 feet to the mountain's surface.

Though you pay for parking, if you just want to hang out, stare at the carving, and watch the light show...it's free.

We parked the car, and made our way to Miss Katie's Restaurant for a sit-down dinner. It's a faux old timey looking place within the park. There were other places to eat, mostly stands with festival food....so Miss Katie's seemed the high class, civilized way to go. The food was Cracker Barrel style down-home goodness, all set in the atmosphere of a plantation/whore house.

The waitresses all wore antebellum style dresses. OK, I have no idea what the hell an antebellum style dress is, but they wore big ol hoop dresses like you'd see in Gone With the Wind. They also all seemed to have curious names like Winky and Sunny and Muffy...furthering my whore house suspicion.

They featured hand-tossed biscuits, which meant that our server, Bunny, stood five feet from the table and lobbed a fluffy balls of baked goodness in our general direction. She also brought out a complimentary folded piece of wax paper filled with a bunch of fried stuff.

Bunny did a great job, and did not show any signs of disliking her lot in life. Whether she was there as a server, a ho, or an indentured servant...all I know is my iced tea stayed full and the biscuits flew in my direction as quick as I could eat them.

Then it was time to head to a grassy viewing area in front of the carving for a view of the Lasershow Spectacular. The show has been going on for 25 years, and has just been digitally remastered for the 25th anniversary. Candice assured me that I would leave feeling proud to be an American, and I was not surprised that I could look forward to hearing from that son of a bitch Lee Greenwood.

We put down a tablecloth, which perfectly fit about half of one of my buttocks, and had a seat. A full stomach, laying on the grass with someone you love out in the fresh air......the crimes and cowardice of the confederacy weren't on my mind.

Dusk brought out a couple-three mosquitoes and half a dozen college kids selling glow necklaces and light up swords. The mosquitoes were easily deflected, but the glow necklaces lured me in. There is a radio broadcast featuring the kind of songs you'd expect to hear in this setting...lots of crappy new country and generic pop. The huge lawns are full of families sitting on blankets and kids running around and teenagers looking for a place to make out and a feeling of impending spectacle.

Lasershow Spectacular Spoiler Alert!!!!

The Lasershow Spectacular is both! There was also a bunch of fireworks mixed in. The lasers drew out images on the mountain of Georgia sports teams, people applauding as their favorites came up. They drew out images of famous Georgians Ray Charles, Little Richard, and Jimmy Carter. It was all set to music and it was on level of spectacularness did not disappoint.

There is a freak-out part of the show, which I guess is aimed at anyone who decided to do a doob in the parking lot before heading over.

The lasers trace the outline of the carving, and then set them to motion.....the horses are galloping, and maybe I just imagined it, but I think the fellas went ahead and pulled out their swords.

Eventually, we see General Lee, or maybe its Jefferson Davis...no its probably Lee..."Dixie" is playing in the back as he walks about surveying fire and destruction, and little laser soldiers getting a shot to the gut. He shakes his head, shocked and upset at war. As Dixie reaches its crescendo and volume is cranked to eleven, General Laser Lee takes out his sword and breaks it across his knee. At this point, many in the crown applaud. A couple of grits might give an exasperated and disappointed sigh, I guess they were hoping the LasershowSpectacular Civil war might end differently.

Mr. Greenwood's Ode to America was axed from the show, but there is still plenty of patriotism to fire everyone up. It now seems required to pay tribute to our armed forces at any public gathering of over three people, so of course they throw that in.

The finale lights up the mountain and the sky with lasers and fireworks and spectacularness and music and the faint smell of fried pickles.

It was definitely worth the trip, and not just to see Candice's face lit from fun, childhood memories, and a glow in the dark necklace.

Then, everyone makes their way to the parking lot and begins the drive home, and you realize that they aren't southerners and northerners, not blacks and whites, but that they are all Americans. And, even more overwhelmingly, you realize that they are residents of greater Atlanta, and thus it is not about their color or heritage....it is about their driving skill....their horrible, dreadful, almost horrible driving. I wanted to go pick up the remnants of Laser Lee's sword and go Samurai on someones ass.

Day 2: Cincinnati Under Siege

2008-09-16T09:19:00.006-04:00

The remnants of Hurricane Ike blew through the Queen City of the Midwest on Sunday, and things are still a mess.

Half a million Duke energy customers are still without power, that's down from 800,000.

There is a massive tree down on one of the the streets that lead back to my subdivision, and I have a feeling I'll be without power for days to come. Right now, I'm sitting at a coffee shop, charging the laptop, listening to the kind old lady next to me trying to complete her Avon order and find someone to take the deer meat and Omaha steaks in her freezer.

Today, is my freezer day. I will be schlepping, tossing, and cooking meat. I've got a beautiful skirt steak, a pork loin, and half a dozen giant chicken breasts that are first priority. Need to get to work on a power outage jambalaya of sorts. Despite loading up a cooler with ice, much of the fridge is a loss.

I spent yesterday clearing trees and brush from the yard. The resulting pile is four feet high and covers the concrete where two cars should be in the back parking rotunda. Of course, many of those branches were still in the backyard from last years ice storm.

I can't imagine going through a real hurricane. This came in with zero rain, and high, but not hurricane level winds. They say there were gusts up to mid 70's MPH. The shocking part to me was the length of the storm...high wind for hours and hours and hours.....

So...that's what I'm up to....now, a random photo from my recently imported library....

BSU 35 Navy 23

2008-09-12T13:58:00.007-04:00

Over 10,000 students showed up for this game, which is about 9990 more than used to go to the games when I attended.

Saturday, tomorrow, we take on Akron...Go Cardinals.

Muncie is beautiful in the fall.

There is a crackdown at the bars requiring two forms of ID to get in. Somehow, a debit card was not ID enough at The Chug, so we didn't get to make our usual trip there. I wasn't mad because I was already full of beer and kinda tired by that point, but geez...it's the Chug! The Chug is the bar on campus where 12 year olds go to have an Old Style and a game of beer pong.

The Den has closed. It was a typical college store selling team gear, posters of girls kissing, bongs, incense, expired soda, and giant 50 cent fountain sodas. They always had good prices on tshirts and sweatshirts, but the merch often smelled like patchouli or sandalwood. It will be missed.

Finally got to stay in the Pittenger Student Center Hotel suite. It is a corner room with a fridge, wet bar, two cans, a huge sitting area, and a lovely view. The only drawbacks were I found a crack pipe on top of the entertainment center and I clogged the toilet without really trying too hard. Pictures of that may be posted at a later date.

Tailgating before the game was fun. Chicken apple sausage, beer, and corn.... Tossed the football around and made a spectacular tackle, as Candice tried to shimmy and jive her way past me.

The All-Ball-State All-Marching Pride of Mid-America Band put on a fantastic halftime show. This was the best halftime of a football game I have ever been to. The atmosphere was electric.

Thanks to my main man Beetle Bailey for the tickets!

Thanks to the Locker Room, The High Energy Dance Emporium, and that one strip mall bar for letting us in! The strip mall bar was especially cool because we were all by ourselves except for the owner. He sat at the bar watching a Lifetime movie while we played pool.

I also discovered White Unicorn by Wolfmother. I heard it on the jukebox and thought that this must be the bar owners old garage band from 1978, turns out I just haven't listened to The Frog in half a decade.

Having two bathrooms in a hotel room when you're on vacation is quite a luxury, saves a lot of time and potential ill-will.

Greeks Pizza is awfully good, and the dude selling various sausages from a cart across the street has great prices and very tasty food. The mini corn dogs at the Locker Room are a new favorite. There's a new Creole restaurant in the Village. If it is still there when I make a trip for basketball season, I will go in and order every appetizer and three entrees. If they're not open, you owe me a Chug Mug and 6 refills. Any takers?

And I know I can get in...I've got two a second ID.

Speaking of Mullets: A Couple of Fine KY State Fair Hairstyles

2008-09-12T13:41:00.005-04:00

The Worst Camera Work on a Cool Event Ever

2008-09-12T00:49:00.002-04:00

Zack is on the right of the screen with a cherry tomato in his mouth, Mark is on the left of the screen ready to catch the tomato in his mouth as Zack spits it in his direction. I am right in the middle of the action, but too enthralled with the scene to get a good shot. I also might have been swirling my drink.

Another fine point...after Mark successfully caught the cherry tomato, I stopped filming instantly so as to celebrate.

The good news is, I edited these three small clips from my camera on iMovie.

.

KY State Fair Souvenir

2008-09-11T15:37:00.004-04:00

The photo shoot took a mere 38 minutes. The button/fridge magnet will last a lifetime.

Election '08: The Bald Guy, The Foreign Broad, and The Martial Arts Master/Actor/Political Activist

2008-09-10T22:08:00.002-04:00

I just spent six minutes of my life watching Larry King talk to Ari Fleischer, Arianna Huffington, and Chuck Norris. They were discussing Sen. Obama's comment about putting lipstick on a pig

If you give a shit, God help you....but here's the story...

Obama accused of sexism for 'lipstick on a pig' remark

Ari was giddy, Arianna was her usual Gabor-like self, Larry King seems to be melting as he ages...but Chuck had the mystery of Walker, the purpose of McQuade, and the gravitas of the star of a home gym infomercial.

In context, or out of context for that matter, there is nothing wrong with what Obama said. Governor Palin was not mentioned or implied.

Some people spent more than six minutes of their day following this story, but I dare say my six minutes were perfectly spent and sufficient.

Arianna said it was much ado about nothing, Ari couldn't keep a straight face as he said Sen. Obama should apologize, and then a hush came over the cable news viewing world.

Chuck Norris said that Obama should not be ad-libbing. He should stick to the script, because if he gets off of it, he puts his foot in his mouth.

Chuck also thinks that Obama should have immediately apologized to the assembled crowd, he should have told the folks who came to his campaign event that he was NOT referring to Sara Palin when he made mention of a pig.

Here is what Obama said:

"We've been talking about change when we were up in the polls and when we were down in the polls, The other side, suddenly, they're saying 'we're for change too.' Now think about it, these are the same folks that have been in charge for the last eight years. You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. You can wrap up an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change. It's still going to stink after eight years. We've had enough,"

He should have followed up with this, to please Walker Texas Ranger:

"Oh, by the way, I was not referring to Governor Palin when I talked about a pig wearing lipstick."

There would have been no controversy then.

I think he should have continued to follow up by saying:

"However, when I mentioned the stink of old fish, I was referring to John McCain. Seriously, he's got that creepy 'old person smell'. It's just gross. I can't believe I have to stand next to this guy and debate. Just a few feet away from a toxic combo of Ben Gay, mothballs, Brut aftershave and the overwhelming stink of impending death."

Chuck did not make mention of the Total Gym, but I didn't stick around for the next segment. I think Ari Fleischer might have jetted too.